Is Grandpa relevant?

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Funny how your mind works… for years I could picture a TIME MAGAZINE cover that asked “Is the President relevant?” but when I search for it, the cover is either one of two that year (1996) that is unavailable or else it was simply a feature article in which the president (Bill Clinton) himself made it an issue:

“Clinton downplayed the fact that his press conference was only picked up by one major network, saying ‘I am relevant. The Constitution gives me relevance. A president, especially an activist president has relevance.’ ” (Ten years later TIME published another piece about President George W. Bush’s relevancy.)

One of the gifts of age is focus shifting from self to others. When you hear a grandfather saying, “Here, let me show you how….” it’s not because he wants to show off; it’s because he wants to be of use to the child — to be relevant.

As I searched for that “relevant” cover, I came across the only time the magazine selected the individual as “person of the year”. I’d remembered there was a shiny paper mirror in place of a photo of a head of state or commerce. But I’d forgotten WHY they chose US. The caption says: “Yes, you. You control the Information Age. Welcome to your world.” The year was 2007, a year after the World Wide Web became widespread. “Not the Web that Tim Berners-Lee hacked together [1991] as a way for scientists to share research,” said the piece. “It’s not even the overhyped dotcom Web of the late 1990s. The new Web is a very different thing. It’s a tool for bringing together the small contributions of millions of people and making them matter. Silicon Valley consultants call it Web 2.0, as if it were a new version of some old software. But it’s really a revolution….”

“It’s a tool for bringing together the small contributions of millions of people and making them matter,” it goes on to say. “This is an opportunity to build a new kind of international understanding, not politician to politician, great man to great man, but citizen to citizen, person to person. It’s a chance for people to look at a computer screen and really, genuinely wonder who’s out there looking back at them.”

Seems quaint in its naivete and idealism, doesn’t it? Today, many of all ages are skeptical, suspicious and callous about the chance that connectivity brings “citizen to citizen”. And they do wonder — but now with the squinted eye of a skeptic — “who  is genuinely out there looking back at them”. And tech itself has divided along the lines of digital literacy, and cultural norms. So many elders have told us they feel “left behind” and it’s too hard to catch up. They fear everything is going by way of the gadget. And yet Millenials are back to reading books on paper…perhaps because they grew up on Harry Potter! Older adults needn’t fear technology’s overtaking us, so long as we have a voice in what is relevant.  

The excellent website NextAvenue (“Where grown ups keep growing”) presented both sides of the conversation a few years ago, by writer and advocate Debbie Reslock. Promoting the importance of connections, ahe said, “What changes with age is the sources of one’s relevancy. She cited  a counter thought by Peter Bregman in the Harvard Business Review who pooh poo’s the whole idea!

“People who achieve financial and positional success are masters at doing things that make and keep them relevant,” Bregman wrote. “Their decisions affect many others. Their advice lands on eager ears. In many cases, if not most, they derive their self-concept and a strong dose of self-worth from the fact that what they do and what they say—in many cases even what they think and feel—matters to others…..” Then, he promotes irrelevancy he says comes with retirement.

“Still, there is a silver lining to this kind of irrelevancy: freedom,” he writes. When your purpose shifts like this, you can do what you want. You can take risks. You can be courageous. You can share ideas that may be unpopular. You can live in a way that feels true and authentic. In other words, when you stop worrying about the impact of what you do, you can be a fuller version of who you are,” he writes.

“Notice what happens when you pay attention to the present without needing to fix or prove anything,” says Bregman. “Notice how, even when you’re irrelevant to the decisions, actions, and outcomes of the world around you, you can feel the pleasure of simple moments and purposeless interactions. Notice how, even when you feel irrelevant, you can matter to yourself.”

I don’t buy it! Yeah- maybe we we don’t control our universe —  through technology or other ways  – but I bet to that child, his grandfather is Person of the Year.  The boy may ask Alexa, Siri or Google for the answer to his questions, but he looks up at his grandfather to know what questions to ask. Nothing’s changed. Thank Goodness.

Emails are like whispered secrets when the lights are out at a pajama party…

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Agatha Christie at work

I’ve kept a diary since 1956. (yeah – old enough to spell back then) and have warned my family that if they ever find them, please know I had a wonderful happy life, but tend to write only when I’m upset. This morning a friend who has been on a medically propelled roller coaster with her husband apologized for using our email exchange as a “venue to vent”.  And that got me thinking…

In my work leading older adults in English-speaking countries to overcome their fears of the Internet and email, I realize cyber-use can invoke harmful scams on the elderly. But I still think the good outweighs the bad. Today makes me realize  how many friends and family members I write to on the spur-of-the-moment — a thought, a fear, an idea! I think of how the unconnected 80-year-old in her apartment missed the immediate cyber community of mutual grieving after recent mass murders in Pittsburgh. And didn’t get an email or text from a grandchild asking “Are you OK?” or “I’m SO upset!”.

Emails are like whispered secrets when the lights are out at a pajama party…it’s one way communication until someone responds in asymmetrical time, and often we share thoughts and feelings with a keyboard that we might hold back face to face or phone.

So when dear friend apologized for “going on”  and [using her email] as a “venting venue” — while adding “But that’s what good friends are for”,  I saw so clearly that we could be there for one another — in a sudden spurt of truth. That one can pour out a thought at 2 in the morning to anyone else, anywhere. so long as they’re connected.

The other day, an elderly man who was tethered to an oxygen tank in a nursing home learned to use SKYPE for the first time. “Oh, man! I can do this with my kids!? I can see my kids all over the country??!!”  When asked how many grown children he had, he said “Twelve – I got 12 kids, and I’m gonna get one of these things [a tablet] so I can see them!!!”  He also learned to use email. Wonder if he’ll share his secret joys and sadness.

Yeah – venting venues are good places to go.

 

That Einstein quote – and who really wrote it!

The other day someone sent me one of those circulating jokes titled “What Einstein Feared Most Has Arrived”.  NO! it wasn’t about Nukes. it was a series of photos showing a family at the beach….sitting on bench together — all staring down grim faced at their phones. A couple on a date, food in mouth, typing on their individual devices. Three young women clearly in a Museum of Art, seated on a bench, doing email. And Einstein’s quote: “I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots.” But the grammar threw me, and I wondered if A.E. really ever said that. So, once again, through the fast free power of the Web I consulted the Quote Investigator (https://quoteinvestigator.com/2013/03/19/tech-surpass/) who debunked the attribution.

So who would issue this “fake” quote? Perhaps one of the 17 million older, wiser Americans whose perspective brings this phone fixation into greater clarity. We all talk about tech compulsion but since we also do it, we don’t rage. They do!

Our elders who are by chance or choice offline are building up defenses that makes them reluctant to join us, despite the obvious advantages of free instant information and connections.  I’ve met many of them over the past two decades as we created Generations on Line (www.generationsonline.org.)

Who are they, and why are they mad? “If I get one of those things, my grandkids are never gonna visit me — they’ll just ‘text’,” was one answer from a woman with warm eyes and a resolved smile. As we approach the contrived holiday of “Grandparents’ Day” September 10, perhaps a lovely compromise would be the gift of sharing this wondrous tool called the Internet with them along with a commitment to use it with them only to enhance and not replace the face to face to connection. FaceTime, anyone?

This author and her team have created free apps with large type and familiar language instructions on every screen. “Easy Tablet Help For Seniors” in Google Play and “Generations on Line” in iTunes and Apple APP store. I think A.E. would approve.

ALbert

Camel to care-giver!

he doesn’t ask for much — but…

So I now know what it means to be a family “caregiver” – which is a silly word because families always care for one another even in perfect health. Nonetheless, it has particular meaning when applied to an invalid – sudden or chronic. And wow – shredding up a quadricep while getting off a camel in Mongolia was sudden and unexpected! Makes for a great story, but also fascinating insights into the world of disconnected or connected medical support and the adaptive technologies and aidsneeded. Lots has been written about this – but I see it through the prism of my work in getting elders online. As my adorable husband —  whose quadricep was shredded – -maneuvers walker and cane up the many steps of our house, wearing a full leg fixed brace for months, he doesn’t ask for much – not pills, not pillows, not pets – all he wants is his iPad! That connects him to the real world and business as usual.

Think about life without connectivity next time you are researching schedules, ordering supplies, writing to friends, opening Facebook, checking the weather, browsing a catalog, or watching CNN online.

More than a third of people over age 65 – and far more than that over age 71 – have never used email or the Internet. Some know what they’re missing and others don’t. This little adventure in Nightingale land sure makes me grateful that I have devoted my professional life these past two decades to this cause. Generations on Line is overcoming the barriers of access, skill and intimidation that prevent our oldest and often wisest generations from connecting…..

Stay tuned and we’ll see how it all turns out!